Putting it Down: It's the difference between a ruptured disk and a stronger core

You know what I hate? Figuring out how much is too much. You know what I spend all my time doing? Figuring out how much is too much. Or not enough. Where it's just a wussy cop out, and where it's an obsessive compulsion. Where it's walking away from a valiant effort at resuscitation, and where it's beating a dead horse.

The only reason I keep trying to figure it out is because I have finally figured out that I am not very happy with a wussy life, but I'm also not very happy when I'm standing there, panting and sweaty and frustrated and the damned dead horse still won't get up and walk. So I keep trying to figure it out.

Right now, a wussy life would include:

• taking the bait and entering old conversations, old conflicts, old stories ... even though I know it's useless
• ignoring this week's course work, pretending I can do it later ... after all, it's only the first week of the quarter
• spending a lot of time watching old movies, reading an interesting novel, or ... well, or nothing, actually -- those are the ways to escape. It's not time for escape.
• worrying, making myself otherwise useless, obsessing, and refusing to courageously walk away from the lives, difficulties, and decisions that belong to my adult offspring

Notice something? Wussy life and overexertion turn out to be the same thing. It's actually easier to obsess, revert, escape (even if it makes more work or takes more apparent effort), fuss, and "try, try again" than it is to just get on with it.

Valiant effort, courage, and a stronger core would be:

• deleting, walking away from, turning my attention, and otherwise leaving even the dust of old habitations behind (translation: do not answer that email, do not keep trying to form the perfect answer, even in my head)
• doing the school work as soon as it comes assigned
• pray, trust, and leave it alone

There is a lot of jazz in my life right now, and you gotta put down the ducky if you wanna play the saxophone.