The only reason I keep trying to figure it out is because I have finally figured out that I am not very happy with a wussy life, but I'm also not very happy when I'm standing there, panting and sweaty and frustrated and the damned dead horse still won't get up and walk. So I keep trying to figure it out.
Right now, a wussy life would include:
- taking the bait and entering old conversations, old conflicts, old stories ... even though I know it's useless
- ignoring this week's course work, pretending I can do it later ... after all, it's only the first week of the quarter
- spending a lot of time watching old movies, reading an interesting novel, or ... well, or nothing, actually -- those are the ways to escape. It's not time for escape.
- worrying, making myself otherwise useless, obsessing, and refusing to courageously walk away from the lives, difficulties, and decisions that belong to my adult offspring
Valiant effort, courage, and a stronger core would be:
- deleting, walking away from, turning my attention, and otherwise leaving even the dust of old habitations behind (translation: do not answer that email, do not keep trying to form the perfect answer, even in my head)
- doing the school work as soon as it comes assigned
- pray, trust, and leave it alone