Somewhere between the nearly flowering bulbs on my kitchen windowsill and the dead and soggy "garden" outside ...
Somewhere between ducks in a row, and ducks with their butts in the air ...
Somewhere between flourishing and fallow times ...
That's where I am.
At least I know that this is part of how it goes. Life is like this. It goes along for awhile, and then we start to chafe at the sameness, and we remember more interesting days, and the mud sticks around or ices over, and nothing blooms, and no one can see our heads because our butts are in the air -- and then chaos looms and finally hits -- and then we get to start over again. Not until then. Forcing the bulbs on the windowsill doesn't mean I can have spring in January. Those bulbs are just the promise of spring.
Now, if jobs applied for become jobs to go to, and if partners chosen become partners legally joined, and if trees standing become trees felled, sold, and financially helpful ... if classes prepared for become classes taught ... if the well laid plans and the puffy ephemeral dreams become reality ... then the next thing to do will be finding stability in chaos. But I'm not there yet. There's nothing to adjust to yet. Sameness is passing, chaos isn't here. Not yet.
I know how this goes. Martha Beck is right - there are four squares to the human change cycle, and Square One is chaotic and untethered and deeply disturbing to some people. Square Two is where you start to think of ideas again, Square Three is where you try them out, and when you finally find a way to operate with your new reality, you get to Square Four, which is maintenance.
Okay. Okay, I get it.
And I prefer being in Square Two, and I loathe Square One, and I know I'm about to slip down the ridge between Squares Four and One, and that's when all hell breaks loose, the piles on my desk get mingled because they all get knocked off at once, I get bumped and bruised and don't know what I'm doing and can't tell which end is up, and I usually overdraw my bank account because I lose track of the balance.
Get on with it, Universe! I know it's right around the corner, so could we just move on?