Attend

Today is Ash Wednesday. It is time for me to attend - in every sense of the word.

at·tend

–verb (used with object)

1. to be present at

2. to go with as a concomitant or result; accompany

3. to take care of; minister to; devote one's services to

4. to wait upon; accompany as a companion or servant

5. to take charge of; watch over; look after; tend; guard

6. to listen to; give heed to

7. (archaic) to wait for; expect

–verb (used without object)

8. to take care of or charge

9. to apply oneself

10. to pay attention; listen or watch attentively; direct one's thought; pay heed

11. to be present

12. to be present and ready to give service; wait (usually followed by on or upon)

13. to follow

14. (obsolete) to wait.

I'd like to get to know you ... yes I would ...

If you're old enough to remember that song ... well, never mind. It was the first thing that came to mind for what I want to do. I have readership from all over the world, and I want to know who you are! No, not your names. Not your pet peeve or your parentage. Well - if you want to say those things, then I'd love to know that too. But I'm ever so deeply fascinated to know your "type." Who are all of you who read this blog? Writers are supposed to have a target audience after all ... so who are you?

Here's the plan. Answer the questions from Lenore Thomson's book, and then tell me the results on the comments section. (If this stuff fascinates you the way it does me, you cannot go wrong with this book. There isn't a more helpful one on the market if you want to think about healthy human development throughout the entire scope of adulthood.)

No comments ever get posted without approval here, so you can also say if you don't want your results and/or comments posted at all - if your answers are just for my benefit ... well, I'd be ever so grateful. Please please please? Tell me about you. I'd like to get to know you!

Here's how you do it.

Arrange your paper in four columns, with each column having an A and a B half to it. Like this:

(1)A ___ B___ (2)A___ B___ (3)A___ B___ (4)A___B___

(5) A ___ B___ (6) A___B___ (7) A___B___ (8) A___ B___

(9) A ___B___ (10) A___B___ (11) A___B___ (12) A___ B___ ...

...and so on,

(53) A___B___ (54) A___B___ (55) A___B___ (56) A___B___

until you have spots for 56 answers.

After you answer each question with either A or B, add the column going down, and you'll have some A's, then some B's, then some A's, then some B's ... to add together. There will be eight totals.

With me so far?

ADDENDUM: You can set this up any way you want to, of course. Whatever floats your boat. The part to get right is the part where you add up four sets of A/B answers in the right groups. They're like weeks. All the first days of the weeks have to be added together, then all the second days ... And if you want to be anonymous, make sure to comment as "anonymous" on the comment page.

Number the totals across the bottom of your columns from 1 to 8, and then send me the results. You'd send me something like:

1. 10 - A's
2. 4 - B's
3. 7 - A's
4. 7 - B's
5. 8 - A's
6. 6 - B's
7. 3 - A's
8. 11 - B's

Then tell me your age, and where you live, and your name if you want to. Tell me ANY thing about you that you want to tell me. Just "comment" at the bottom of this blog entry - and if you want me to email you your type test results, include your email in your comment to me. Otherwise, I won't know who you are - the silly machine just says your name is "no reply blogger" - but THAT's not your name, now is it? Who are you really? I'd like to get to know you, yes I would. If you're game to let me see you a bit, here are the questions. Answer them as if there were no consequences to your world - as if the answers would not have an impact on anything in any negative way - this is your chance to live for a moment in a consequence-free environment - you know, like Austin Powers before he got in the time machine. Choose your own ideal world where everything is just the way you wish it was, and answer from your devil-may-care, most free-of-constraint self. Dream big. Dream free.

Ready?

1. When you meet new people, do you
A. talk as much as you listen?
B. listen more than you talk?

2. Which statement characterizes your general approach to life?
A. Just do it.
B. Check out the alternatives.

3. Which do you like more about yourself:
A. your cool-headed, logical approach?
B. your warm, understanding approach?

4. Which are you better at:
A. shifting gears when necessary?
B. focusing on one task until it's done?

5. Do you prefer a social life that includes
A. many friends and acquaintances?
B. a few people that you feel close to?

6. When you're trying to understand something, do you
A. press for specifics?
B. get an overall picture and fill in the details later?

7. Which is more interesting to you:
A. knowing how people think?
B. knowing how people feel?

8. What kind of job do you like better:
A. one that allows you to react quickly and improvise?
B. one that allows you to determine goals and take steps to meet them?

9. If a heavy snowfall keeps you from going to school or work, do you
A. wonder what you're missing?
B. enjoy the unexpected time alone?

Which statement are you more likely to make? (You might say either one at different times, but which is more likely to be something you would say or think?)

10. A. I'm interested in people's experience -- what they do, who they know.
B. I'm interested in people's plans and dreams -- where they're going, what they envision.

11. A. I'm good at making a plan that will work.
B. I'm good at getting others to agree with a plan and cooperate in the effort.

12. A. I may try something impulsively, just to see what happens.
B. I want to know what's likely to happen before I try something.

13. A. I usually think on my feet, as I'm talking.
B. I would rather reflect on what I'm going to say before I say it.

14. A. I'm almost always aware of how things look.
B. I may not notice much about how things look - at least not right away.

15. A. I tend to be an analytical sort, maybe a little skeptical.
B. I'm interested in people and care about what happens to them.

16. A. I like to leave room for new options, even after plans are made.
B. Once plans are made, I want to be able to count on them.

17. A. People who know me are generally aware of what is important to me.
B. I don't talk about what's really important to me unless I feel close to the person I'm talking to.

18. A. If I enjoy a particular activity, I'll engage in it frequently enough to do it well.
B. Once an activity is familiar to me, I want to change it in some way or try something new.

19. A. When I'm making decisions, I weigh the pros and cons of my choices.
B. When I'm making decisions, I want to find out what other people have done in similar situations.

20. A. I tend to learn by experience; I often have my own way of doing things.
B. Generally, I learn by following instructions and adapting them if necessary.

21. A. I get restless when I'm alone too long.
B. I get restless when I don't have enough time to myself.

22. A. I'm not very interested in ideas unless they have some practical application.
B. I like ideas for their own sake and enjoy playing with them in my imagination.

23. A. When I negotiate, I can count on my knowledge and tactical skills.
B. When I negotiate, I find common ground with the other person.

24. A. I need a break now and then when I'm working on something.
B. I do not like being interrupted when I'm working on something.

25. A. When I'm having a good time with other people, I get energized and I can keep going for a longer time.
B. When I'm having a good time with other people, my energy runs out and I want some space of my own.

26. A. My physical surroundings are important to me and they affect how I feel.
B. Atmosphere isn't all that important to me if I am enjoying what I'm doing.

27. A. People can count on me to be fair and to treat them with respect.
B. People can count on me when they need me.

When you're on your favorite kind of vacation, are you more likely to

28. A. take things as they come, doing whatever you feel like at the moment?
B. work out at least a tentative schedule of things you want to do?

29. A. spend time doing things with other people?
B. take time to read or walk or daydream alone?

30. A. return to a vacation spot you already love?
B. go someplace you've never been before?

31. A. take a work or school related project with you?
B. renew relationships that are important to you?

32. A. forget about your everyday routines and concentrate on having fun?
B. think about things you need to prepare for or be ready for when your vacation is over?

33. A. see famous landmarks?
B. spend time in museums and quieter places?

34. A. have a good meal at a restaurant you know you enjoy?
B. explore new cuisines?

Which word best describes the way you see yourself? Not the way you think you should be or want to be someday ... the way you think you really are if you don't have to be something else at any particular time.

35. A. levelheaded
B. idealistic

36. A. spontaneous
B. systematic

37. A. open
B. reflective

38. A. factual
B. conceptual

39. A. knowledgeable
B. understanding

40. A. adaptable
B. organized

41. A. expansive
B. intense

42. A. down-to-earth
B. imaginative

43. A. questioning
B. questing

44. A. enthusiastic
B. deliberate

45. A. well-rounded
B. deep

46. A. seasoned
B. spirited

47. A. just
B. merciful

48. A. open-ended
B. goal oriented

49. A. straightforward
B. reserved

50. A. realistic
B. visionary

51. A. impartial
B. sensitive

Would you rather

52. A. put off unpleasant chores until you're in the right mood?
B. get unpleasant chores out of the way so they're off your mind?

53. A. be admired for your work, even though you're not really satisfied with it yourself?
B. create something of lasting worth, but remain unknown?

54. A. have extensive experience in an area that pleases you?
B. have many options to choose from?

Which slogan better captures your point of view?

55. A. People are apt to mistake the strength of their feeling for the strength of their argument.
B. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

56. A. He who hesitates is lost.
B. Look before you leap.

Okay. That's it. Now total up your eight columns, and tell me who you are. I love you already, of course. You read my blog! You couldn't be more lovable! So don't worry about telling me the truth. C'mon. I want to get to know you.

Good reasons

There are some very good reasons to keep a journal - especially if you're a teenager - especially if you're a teenager with an absolutely fierce determination to meet a good man and marry him. Someday. Someday would be good. That's what I wrote over and over and over in a thousand different ways.

I've been looking through old journals lately, and I figured out a couple of things. I figured out that it's a wonder my parents survived all the way to my adulthood without needing some kind of medication to soothe their nerves - and it's an even bigger wonder that I did. How can one girl sustain that level of emotional upheaval? If we had to be seventeen forever, we'd combust. Not spontaneously either ... it would be the product of unremitting passions over the course of time. Nobody could live through that.

But I also found out (after I fanned away the smoke and heat radiating off the pages so that I could read them) that I had some very good friends. There was much hugging. I'd forgotten about all the hugging. I'd thought it was only in my dreams, but apparently my dreams were memories and not sheer invention. I really loved all those people all those years ago. I felt their feelings and rejoiced when they rejoiced and mourned with those who mourned, and that's what love is. Even when you're seventeen. And eighteen. And nineteen. It was awhile ago, but tonight when I go to sleep it will be to the rhythm of

God bless Barry.
God bless Brian.
God bless Tim and Greg and Pat and Tom.
God bless Carol.
God bless Larry and Dan.
God bless Jimmy and Billy and Mike and Charlie.
God bless Nancy.
God bless Jim.

I still have more guy friends than girl friends, and I still like a good intellectual sparring match. But I don't need to have the heat turned up so high now. Maybe when I grew up, I also grew my ability to find love. I've sure had a lot of it in my life.

Truth or Consequences

Unless we admit to something larger than ourselves, we must bear the weight of being an entire universe. Humans were not made to be context and meaning - we were made to find it. photo: Genesis, 1990 © Douglas Bienert

Thaw

The snow outside seems to be melting. No puffy blobs of it frosting the fir trees this morning, and everything is dripping, and there are even shadows (caused, it seems, by the SUN - quite the visual phenomenon!) visible to the naked eye for ... oh ... whole minutes at a time. Not during this minute. But still. I've seen the shadows and the sun in the past 24 hours.

Since the snow started falling a couple of weeks ago, the whole weather pattern has reminded me of something and today I figured out what it is. It's the too-heavy blanket. I have been under a blanket of snow.

Back when I was a teenager, I figured out that another world of sub-conscious escape and resulting refreshment and restoration was possible under certain conditions. I'd gotten an electric blanket for my bed, and I figured out that if I turned it way up - all the way up - my bed would get impossibly warm. It would be a dry and nearly suffocating version of a nearly-too-hot bath, and it didn't cool off the longer you stayed in like a bath of water would do. If you fall asleep in these conditions, the dreams are surreal and clingy, and it's akin to something that happens if your brain is being chemically toyed with. (Don't suspect anything here - the chemicals that touched my brain back then were prescribed by over-zealous doctors, and I get a mild panic attack just thinking about it.)

Back then, the blankets could get hot enough to induce weird dreams and mental trips to emotional wastelands and deserts and operas and orgies of feeling not possible while conscious. This last couple of weeks of the heaviest snow I've been in since moving here has been nearly the same thing. But it lasts all day and all night. My dreams are insane and my waking moments feel slightly unreal. The emotional and psychic waves and colors and sounds are very near consciousness, and now that the sun is trying to come out and the frozen fluff is turning to compacted dripping hardened water, I can breathe again. And I can understand how people get cabin fever.